I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
