My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
