She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
