i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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