If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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