it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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