When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
