I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
