Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
