Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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