you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
