From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
