i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
