In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think your dad took our porno
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize