Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
