I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
