I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
