If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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