sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
