Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
