Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize