Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
