Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
