The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
