she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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