that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
