would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
