I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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