I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
