Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
