Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
