apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
