If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
