I wish I could punch you in the face.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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