Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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