smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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