I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
