i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
