you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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