i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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