Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
