i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
