I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
