don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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