Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
