So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
