my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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