I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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