R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
