You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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