How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
