So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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