I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Randomize
